User:Internet Patrol Man
From OLSEncyclopedia
I'm Internet Patrol Man, or IPM for short. I've been a member at OLS.net since February 2007, making me a member of the vB generation. I've been banned a total of three times, once for spam (I can't even remember what I posted), once for making Seaw(b)itch's time at the boards a terrible stay (apparently she failed to kill herself at one time by jumping in front of a bus, so I kept a steady course of encouraging her to find another bus and do it right), and the third time for posting tubgirl in the wiki. I can't really explain why I did the last one.
I'm a programmer from Illinois, and I write in Python, PHP, Perl, and some C++. I also do sysop work and penetration testing, as well as computer technician work for friends and people who pay nicely. Currently I'm working on forum software written from scratch in perl and suigintou, my PHP imageboard script,. More info on those can be found here.
And since I'm nowhere near as organized as XT is (at least on his wiki page), don't expect this article to be condensed into anymore categories.
Things I like and whatnot
Miscellaneous stuff
- I like to sketch. If I really felt compelled and my scanner didn't suck maybe I'd show what I've drawn in the past, but, obviously the sketches would need some touching up first.
- Sometimes Yoh's mom has two for one sales, those are really nice.
- I dabble on and off with playing baseball, I'm not very good at it but if I'm in the right mood it can be fun.
- I really like eating out, and as such I'll continue to think eating healthy is stupid until my first blood clot or when my cholesterol is like, 670. On the contrary though, my metabolism is quick as all hell, so I'm skinny.
- People who say that there's nothing good on TV are jerks. I don't know about you, but I love watching TV, and all the garbage that's played on it as well.
- I'm pretty much the only member in the IT deparment for Toonami Revolution, a project dedicated to bringing back toonami online. I don't do 3D artwork or anything, but I do program software for them and soon will be running the machine hosting the project and coding the webserver it'll be using. Hooray!
Anime and Manga
Woo, what a surprise. Favorite anime series' are (in no particular order):
- Azumanga Daioh
- Gurren Lagann
- The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
- Neon Genesis Evangelion
- FLCL
- Cowboy Bebop
- Outlaw Star (shrug)
- Rozen Maden
- Lucky Star
and more. Favorite manga include (again in no particular order):
- Yotsuba&!
- Welcome to the NHK!
- Azumanga Daioh (in all it's 4 panel-ly goodness)
- Love Hina
- Negima!
From those, you should be able to conclude the genres I like. Also I hate Nartuto. With the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
Music
- The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
- The Bird and the Bee
- The Seatbelts
- The Smashing Pumpkins
- Brand New
- Cake
- David Hasselhoff (don't hassel the hoff)
- Skee-lo
- The Beatles
- The Killers
- Goldfinger (kind of suck nowadays but were good a while back)
- the pillows (feels good man)
- Hideki Naganuma
- Depeche Mode
TV shows
A lot of sitcoms/humor and some weird stuff.
- Seinfeld. Best show ever.
- Scrubs
- X Files
- Reno 911
- The George Lopez Show
- Still Standing
- Various court shows
- The Simpsons (not the newer stuff or the oldest stuff but the episodes in the middle)
- Infomercials infomercials infomercials
- Whatever's funny on Adult Swim (not much anymore)(Tim and Eric is such a fucking gay show)
- The History Channel
Computers
Since I mentioned it up above, I might as well elaborate more. Here's the specs on my current box:
- AMD Athlon 64 dual core 4200+ 2.7 GHz (overclocked) processor
- 2 250GB HDDs (lol in a bootable RAID1 array)
- 2 GB of DDR2 SDRAM
- a crappy onboard graphics card (CRISIS SPECS PLZ)
- soundblaster live soundcard (old, but it works fine).
- FreeBSD with an apache install in a partitioned FreeBSD jail.
The pipes on my machine are fat as all hell too. My bandwidth tier, on the right days, is gigantic, but sadly my network runs through a hub instead of a switch, so network bandwidth is handled stupidly.
Perl Forum Software
Like I mentioned at the beginning, I'm currently writing forum software in perl from scratch, using a custom template system for speed and a MySQL backend for datastorage. The interface is lightweight, XHTML 1.1 complaint, and designed to degrade nicely in non-CSS aware browsers and text browsers, so there shouldn't be any problem browsing it using, well, just about any browser.
It'll feature a lot of the same modules and functions that other scripts have as well, so hopefully most wanted and needed features are supported. Some of the features are:
- avatars
- categories/subforums
- polls
- viewcount/postcount for threads
- online/offline users
- post quoting
- fully featured moderator/admin panel
- IP logging
- Private message system (with support for read tickets)
- User titles/user levels
- BBcode support
- templated HTML and CSS stylesheets for easily interchangeable themes
- display names
- profiles
- user groups
there will be others, but this is just the rough outline of things I want to include so far. Hopefully this project will be done sometime soon.
Suigintou
lol it's being recoded
A PHP imageboard script. Orginally started out as a hack of the old japanese futaba script to include random functions wakaba had, but the codebase for futaba is shit. Trying to cram HTML, PHP, and database work (actually I used the CSV flatfile version but whatever) into a single script does not work well...at all.
I thought about giving up the project numerous times, restarting it in a numerous amount of other languages (ranging from perl to haskell), but finally decided that I might as well just scrap what I have and recode the script into a cleaner and more secure state, in PHP.
It won't be as featurerich as kusaba (half the functions are copypasta'd from 4chan, whose functions are half copypasta'd from SA), but it won't be as featureless as futaba.
Details are still somewhat pending. Let me finish it first.
Jon being a big bully and banning me
Internet Patrol Man has been banned from Outlawstar.NET message boards. He was a member of the VB board generation, and was an example of the activeness in the board and of new members until he became Internet meme incarnate, as his "autobiography" below aptly illustrates.
big, long, dumb autobiography I wrote about a year ago parodying ZAROVE that Tim wants me to keep
He first learned about Outlaw Star through it's run on Tonami, and then watched it again on Adult Swim. He has since bought the DVD's and has admitted it is not his favorite anime. His age is read as "8(_)0(_)8" but don't be fooled. This does not mean "8(_)0(_)8" human years. It means "8(_)0(_)8" million centuries.
IPM's Involvement With The Birth Of The Universe And First Life On Earth
IPM's actual birth date is unknown. He was created at the same time as God. After about a million years it got kind of boring, and their homemade sitcoms got old, so they decided to throw something new into the batch. They came up with two ideas, either make a universe and watch it over the course of 400 billion centuries, or start a farting war. God won, so of course the universe was set into place. They got into a fight over what would be created first, but here's how it came out.
The first day God created plants.
The second day IPM created beer.
The third day God created animals and air.
The forth day IPM created porn.
The fifth day god created humans.
The sixth day IPM invented sexy parties.
On the seventh day God put a stop to those sexy parties, not to be invented for millions of years.
Soon IPM and God would get into warfare about whether or not it was OK for God to have 5 swinger girlfriends and for IPM to not get any sexy parties. IPM was soon overpowered by the grace of God and banished to the Earth he had created, starting as the first form of advanced life (besides retards)...DINOSAURS!!!
IPM's early life and involvement with Dinosaurs
IPM was the first dinosaur. He ate the bones off lesser, gayer, dinosaurs and made them crumble to his knees. He soon made friends with other dinosaurs and started the Offical Bully League. In this league they beat up people for no apparent reason. They were also accused of stealing n00dz and bear from teh shopex, but charges were dropped.
IPM soon grew to becoming the Dinosaur god. He reined over all. His favorite foods were McDonald flavoured n00dz and beer. He invented 13375p34k and Morse code as a way of calling his bitches back to the chamber, but was unable to know the damage it would cause on the internet z (he has later apologize). But as soon as he came to power, it was taken away. God realised that a being so powerful as IPM could never live on Earth without rules. So God invented Moses. Moses brought the commandments to the dinosaurs and they were appalled at how many their savior had committed, especially the ones about violating thy neighbors wife. Thus Moses started a rebel faction complete with X-Wing Fighters and Y-Wings. The Rebels were equally challenged by the DeathStar, the creation IPM and the Coalition had created. But soon the Rebels found the big red button and destroyed the Death Star, thus almost destroying e=IPM's reign of terror.
The DeathStar was revived a couple of times, but Moses and his fleet were just too much of a match for IPM. He was thus defeated and executed. The dinosaurs went back to piece for a view years, until God found it boring and destroyed all life forms except Moses, who would live on in later history.
The B.C. years and IPM's second Reign of Terror
Years went on and soon a new race called The Humans appeared. They were uneducated cavemonkeys at first, but evolved when the Aliens of Planet 1443 brought them to the deep depths of cave Vorgamonth. After they proved worthy pf life, they were brought back, only to be frozen to death in an ice age. This age lasted for like, two years, and the everything went back to normal. Years went on and humanity popped up again, and soon they were more advanced then ever. They had developed swords, horses, and most of all religion. It soon seemed this life style would work until he-who-was-never-spoken-of reappeared again. For it was IPM!
He was birthed as a small child as God saw fit to see if IPM's soul was still tainted. He was birthed to a virgin mother and a father who had ED. Everyone was like "Hey, doesn;t that guy need like Viagra or something" but they did not realise who this child was. IPM was a peace loving boy throughout his childhood. But as soon as he reached his later teens his past memories came back to him. The DeathStar. The Rebels. The n00dz.
IPM soon realised what he had to do. He brainwashed a bunch of villigers into believing he was their savior, and it caught on. Everyone everywhere saw to it that he was treated as the best thing that ever lived, because he was. He started up his second reign of terror. Everything was the same, except now he got to bully human workers instead of dinosaurs. The most useless worker of his, ZAROVE3, wished to be IPM's right hand man, but IPM banished him to a world of know return. Beer and n00dz were given out. And soon came manga and anime, and then soon came the internetz. Through the internetz (also known as internet, internets, or interwebs) he was able to brainwash fifty children a day. Everyone was his slave! Soon IPM changed his name to Judas, and the name was known as Savior to everyone in the world. He started up his own religion called Judaism, named after IPM (Judas) himself.
Soon God saw the taint that would forever be in IPM's soul. He came down to Earth himself, the same way as IPM, and showed everyone the way of light. Soon he started up his own religion, called Christianity, which everyone flocked to, because it was happier and less mean. God soon changed his name to the mortal Jesus Christ and was soon Judas's arch enemy. Judas though soon made peace with Jesus (God) and became one of his apposils. IPM would destory God from the inside out. One day Jesus mentioned something or another about unpaid parking tickets and a J-Walking connviction he was bribing some officer to let him off on, and used it to get Jesus crucified. He soon realised his error. He remembered when God and him used to read n00dz and laugh. He tried to stop this crucifixtion, but it was too late. Jesus already got pwned. This deeply hurt IPM (Judas) and caused him to commit suicide, so he could be back with God again.
The A.D. years...IPM's plans for the ultimate strike and Slayer
God was still pissed to shit that IPM owned his ass like that. When he saw IPM's attempt to get back in, he bitchslapped that motherfucker with the hand of justice. Because of this, IPM developed an eternel hatred for God, and decided he would soon become his friend again and destroy him from heaven. Inside out.
But he needed a plan. Someway he could appeal to the hip new youngesters of the ninties and be hip to the jive...hmmm. It puzzled him. Soon he knew though. Why don't I invade children's lives through music? A SATANIC BAND WILL CLEAR THEIR THOUGHTS OF GOD. THus the developing of Slayer.
IPM posted up an add at his local shop and got like ten thousand hits. Slayer was gonna be bigger than jesus. Everyone needed a way into Slayer. And that's what they got. Slayer was soon turned from a heavy metal/rock group to a heavy metal/rock orchestra! And so they preached the songs of anti-god and stuff. Soon God got sick of this shit, and forgot about IPM's mentioned plan.
God game down to Earth again in the same form of Jesus. In his suprise his followers were all at the Slayer concert. He needed a way to get in, so he started Slayer2, they more heavy metal/rock group than Slayer. Slayer2 was only a four man band, as that was viewed as more matal than orchestras. Soon IPM learned that God was going to trick everyone into Christianity again. He needed a way to stop Slayer2!
Soon he would find that one day as he dressed up as Ronald Reagen and auditioned for Slayer2 they would let him in. What was more metaller than an ex-president?!?! NO ONE KNEW!!! So Slayer2 got big, with Slayer being left dormaint. Soon IPM turned Slayer2 upside down and destroyed it, preaching Judaism and such, and then abruptly left the band, going back to Slayer. He soon found out how troubled God (Jesus) was and had found out he was a heroin addict. From here he reported everyting to the local authorities, and Jesus was crucified again.
God's forgiveness and IPM's on going Third Reign Of Terror (not as funny)
God now forgave IPM after 100 years, mainly because IPM had to live with humans, and let him back in. By now, heaven already was full. So IPM started killing people off so it was only God and IPM. God informed IPM that the dead pplz needed somewhere to go too, and this highly angered IPM. He started deleting everything he could out of heaven, and soon him and God were back on bad terms. The Battle Of Good and Evil soon took place, resulting in a life time ban sent to IPM, banishing him somewhere in the depths of an uncool realm (later named hell). IPM claimed this territory for many many years, and is now populating by the second.
IPM was then stolen from Hell by God who thought he was too powerful and brought to Earth. IPM started creating families of evil like mad, and soon created AKosygin, who would go to create the Outlawstar.NET boards. This brought along Vince, Dark Nadir, Ghost, Electricity Gone Human, Crimson, Lone Outlaw, XT, envied evil, and Rahne Everson, IPM's Generals of PAIN. God claimed Yoh, who would later die in the Battle of Cool vs. Gay V2 by the hands of Vince, as his right hand man. Since then Yoh has been taunted and throughly SACKED. IPM now currently runs the Earth with mentioned Generals (and others) who are running the same game as before. They rule the Earth, and everyone else is their peasants. For how long this reign of terror will last, we won't know, but for certain, IPM and God will fight to the death, forever.
Why God Can't Touch IPM or his henchmen right now
IPM banished ZAROVE3 and Anbo to the deepest depths of heaven to annoy God. God hasn't checked out the internetz or earth in like, a few years, so he is unaware of IPM's power. Once he knows, some crazy shit will happen, and Chuck Norris might reveal himself to be a creation of IPM after all.
IPM's Devious Creation's of Doom
-Adolf Hitler
-4d01f_H1713|2
-Adolph Hitler
-Emo Hitler
-Judge Judy
-Steven Segal
-Da Internetz
-Judaism
-The Battle Of Good And Evil
-The Battle Of Cool vs. Gay
-The Battle Of Cool vs. Gay V2
-13375p34k
-Morse Code
-Chuck Norris
-Jean Claud Van Damne
-Oscar Wilde
IPM's enemies
God
ZAROVE3
Anbo
bobbi starwinde
carcrashhearts
Moses
Anyone who thinks Christian Rock is satanic
Artemis
Zero
Ryushi Blade
Anyone on the extinct species list.
Ishiken
Italian Leather Sofa
User Comments
This is a very accurate explaination of my complicated life, as well as my many quarrells with God. I have made sure every word is correct, and it turns out, I didn't have to! Whoever wrote this must have been alive back during the times of the creation. Pretty scary. Well, I'm glad to see that so many people will be able to view my troubles and enter my cause, as we all know a man like me needs more followers. This is IPM and I approve this message!
Also, you just got AIDS. I came up and shoved an AIDS patient's wiener in your buttocks while you were reading! Oh, Owned!
